Relly Good Fanfic
Table of Contents
CHATPER 1: THE DAY DE NAZIS CAME
AUTHORS NOTE: THIS IS MY FIRST FNAFIC RATE 5/5 10/10 20/20 OR I WILL PERSONALLY GO TO YOUR HOUSE AND CALL YOU A BAD WORD. HAVE A GOOD DAY.
Bill Gates stared his arch rival in the eye. Barack Obama tried his best to keep his composure. He couldn't show any signs of fear, lest the esteemed billionaire find out his weakness. The oval office was dark that stormy night; the power went out, filling the vibrant colors of the American flag with the infectious shade of night. Bill Gates cracked his knuckles; he was going to finish this tonight.
The two eponymous aristocrats ducked as the oval office's window shattered, revealing more than just rain outside. Before they could process what had happened, Sonic the Hedgehog hopped into the room with a look of terror adorned on his face.
"Guys! Mecha Hitler is invading America!" he bellowed. Bill Gates frowned.
"Well, dear Barack, I'd love to see how this fiasco turns out, but I have business to attend to." he said with a flourish. Then, Bill Gates used Chaos Control to teleport back to his castle in a blinding flash. German yelling started to become audible in the distance.
"What are we going to do," panicked Sonic, "Bill Gates took all of the Chaos Emeralds!"
"I, uh, don't know. Maybe, uh, we can, uh, fight them ourselves." replied the president.
Suddenly, a robo-Nazi climbed through the White House's window, leaving sopping wetness all over the carpet.
"You better, uh, clean that up!" said Obama.
The Nazi began shouting all kinds of profanities, such as:
Sonic was absolutely enraged by this officer's foul mouth, because nazis killed his gender-swapped genetic clone sister (See Appendix A). With a scream of anguish, Sonic lunged at the robo-nazi and pushed him out of the building. Unfortunately, he was not alone.
In an instant, three more mecha-Nazis hopped into the room. The biggest one took out his laser beam grenade cannon blaster and shot.
"Oh, uh, no!" shouted Obama as his face was blown off.
"You bastards!" Sonic shrieked.
Obama had been Sonic's best friend ever since they were both created in a freak science lab in space seventy years ago (See Appendix B). Suddenly, Obama's skin fell off, revealing him to really be Donald Trump in disguise!
"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?" inquired the hedgehog.
"Yes, Sonic. I was Obama this whole time! The real Obama is trapped in Bill Gates' castle; we were merely faking his death before you showed up!" replied Trump.
He then snapped his fingers, and a group of illegal immigrants walked in and carried Trump away. The mecha Nazis were too bamboozled to attack, so Sonic murdered them where they stood. He didn't like killing people, but Nazis were his only exception.
Depressed at the loss of his friend, Sonic walked outside into the dark streets of Washington. Street lamps flickered as the depressing downpour seeped into their circuitry. Suddenly, our hero heard a very familiar sound. He then made a full, authentic 180 degrees rotation on the Y axis to come face to face with none other than Mecha Hitler himself. The fuhrer's metallic stronghold gleamed in the shimmering lamp light, his dual gatling guns still smoking from their latest use.
"Die, allied schweinhund!" he bellowed mechanically as the slow whir of his weaponry accelerated.
Sonic dashed out of the way at the speed of sound and ran into a nearby building to gather his wits. Sure, he was fast, but not quite strong enough to penetrate Adolf's indestructible metal pecks. The building seemed to melt around him as he strained his furry cranium for a solution. He couldn't just let this guy destroy more innocent lives! He decided to call his friend, PeriCage. PeriCage is Peridot when she fused with Nicholas Cage in order to defeat Steve Jobs (See Appendix A). Sonic opened his Pesterchum account and before he could get to PeriCage he was trolled by Karkat.
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling blueBlur [BB] at 4:20 A.M. CG: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO!? BB: What do you mean, Karkat? CG: DON'T YOU REALIZE!? YOU LET DONALD TRUMP GET AWAY WITH OBAMA'S SECRET BINDERS! BB: What binders? CG: YOU KNOW, THE BINDERS THAT TELL WHERE WE ALL LIVE! THE BINDERS THAT TEREZI TOLD YOU TO PROTECT! BB: Woah, cool off, man! Nobody warned me about the binders, I swear. CG: I WILL COOL OFF AS SOON AS MY PAIN SPONGE IS FORCEFULLY RIPPED OUT OF MY SKULL BY ROBOTIC NAZI APPENDAGES AND I'M LEFT FOR DEAD WHILE RAVENS RIP THE FLESH FROM MY BULGE! YOU'VE DOOMED US ALL! CG: AS FOR TEREZI'S MESSAGE...I MAY HAVE TOLD FUTURE TEREZI BY ACCIDENT. MY BAD. BB: Don't worry! I'll fix this! -- carcinoGeneticist ceased trolling blueBlue at 4:25 A.M.
"Glad that's over," Sonic said with a sigh as he listened to Hitler's yells outside, "those trolls can be really verbose...Wait...God dangit, I forgot about PeriCage!"
-- blueBlur [BB] began pestering clodClobberer [CC] at 4:26 A.M. CC: What do you want? BB: Don't you remember me, Peridot? CC: It's PeriCage, you clod! BB: Whoops, sorry! CC: Look, I'm kind of busy right now. BB: But I need your help defeating Mecha Hitler! CC: UUUUUUUUUGH. Okay. -- blueBlur ceased pestering clodClobberer at 4:28 A.M.
In a few minutes, Sonic heard the distinctive shouts of a motorcycle outside the building. PeriCage unmounted as she surveyed the streets of Washington. There were dead jews everywhere, and I mean everywhere. It's starting to smell really bad. Her bicycle jacket whipped in the wind and her flaming limb enhancers shook with impatience.
"Where the hell is Sonic?" PeriCage said to herself.
She regretted that sentence as soon as the word 'infidel' was shouted from behind her. She found five robo-Nazis with their guns poised in her general direction. Now, Peridots aren't good fighters by themselves and tend to run away a lot, but she was also Nicholas Cage. This resulted in her running away while shouting cheesy one-liners and firing at the Nazis. It seemed to be a very efficient battle plan until she shot out of the air. As her screaming Nicholas Cage face collided with the ground, Mecha Hitler himself lugged his hunky metal body over to the battle site. Mecha Hitler has had a long history with Nicholas Cage (See Appendix C) and was horrified to see his beloved fused with such a vile creature.
Mecha Hitler ordered his troops to bring him the defusion gun.
"Aw hell no!" shouted PeriCage as she attempted to fly away.
Hitler anticipated this and used his powers as the Prince of Space to freeze her in place. Mecha Hitler did not use his powers often, as they were horribly unstable. He kept her trapped just long enough to defuse her, however. A blinding green light blinded the entire cast as it forcefully ripped atom from atom, soul from soul. Sonic saw the light and ran towards it as fast as he could. Alas, he was too late. On the cold, wet ground lied Nicholas Cage and Peridot, two separate entities. Now that they were no longer fused, both persons became utterly useless in combat.
"You son of a bitch!" yelled Peridot, "I'm reporting this!"
Sonic rushed to his friend.
"Peridot! Nicholas! We can still defeat him, guys! Let's do this together!" said Sonic.
Sonic jumped up and went into a spindash as Peridot latched onto him. Sonic's spinning was so fast that he stayed suspended in midair as Peridot swung from him. Peridot released herself and was sent hurtling towards Mecha Hitler. She succeeded in knocking him down and then she broke the glass surrounding his head. Meanwhile, Nicholas Cage began a game of Blackjack with the other Nazis. Sonic hopped onto Mecha Hitler and began to slap him in the nose, vigorously. Meanwhile, Peridot began sticking her limb enhancers up Hitler's punched him in the gut.
"Ha! You cannot penetrate my mech suit of ultimate fortitude!" jeered the fuhrer as he was still getting slapped by Sonic.
His nose was bleeding profusely at this point, so Hitler decided to use his space powers to launch Sonic into the air. The hedgehog hit a nearby building and was knocked out.
"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" cried Peridot as she rushed to his side.
Mecha Hitler stood back, triumphant and dignified. Suddenly, the crew heard faint music in distance.
"Some-BODY once told me the world was gonna roll me; I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed."
Suddenly, Shrek came lunging at Mecha Hitler. Before the fuhrer could react, he was on the ground under the weight of 350 pounds of ogre flesh. Shrek continued to sing 'All-Star' until Hitler had suffocated under his bodacious bosom.
"Shrek! What are you doing here?" questioned Peridot.
Before her inquiry was answered, Bill Gates Chaos Control'd into the scene.
"Shrek! There you are. How many times do I have to tell you not to go running amok? I might have to put you in the brainwashing chamber again." he said.
Then Shrek and Bill Gates teleported back to their castle.
"Oh god! They brainwashed Shrek!" cried Peridot.
They had been best friends ever since they were created in a freak science lab in space seventy years ago. Sonic mumbled in his state of unconsciousness, and some may interpret that as an attempt at consolation.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: THE FOLLOWING PASSAGE CONTAINS KISSING SCENES AND AN INFLATION SCENE DON'T LIKE DON'T READ MAKE SURE TO RATE 5/5 OR BLAZE THE CAT WILL BE CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGATED TO BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN. HAVE A NICE DAY.
Peridot leaned up against Sonic's body, stroking his quills gently. At the same time, Nicholas Cage sobered up and crawled over to Hitler's sprawled corpse. The two pairs locked lips passionately. Unfortunately for Hitler, his dream self died long ago when Steve Jobs destroyed Prospit (See Appendix D). Thus, Nicholas' passionate embrace did nothing. Peridot wrapped her legs around Sonic's corpse, still kissing him, despite the fact that Sonic doesn't have lips. Her slobber got all over his mouth, but he did not awaken. The robo-Nazis watched in mild horror as they continued their game of Cards Against Humanity.
Nicholas carried his robotic beloved in his arms; he intended to host a proper burial for his lost love. However, Hitler's corpse suddenly began to inflate. First his stomach expanded, then the rest of him. The rapidly expanding flesh strained against the bonds of the mech suit, so Nicholas Cage broke it apart so that his one and only love, Adolf Hitler, could inflate in peace. Hitler's torso now resembled the most beautiful of spheres; his arms now resembled the thickness of a tree trunk and continued to grow. Nicholas Cage was amazed and slightly aroused. Alas, it was time for Hitler to depart from this world. His curvaceous corpse began floating upwards, toward the dark and pouring sky. Nicholas Cage dropped to his knees and cried for his loss. Peridot walked over to him, still smooching Sonic's unconscious body.
"I'm sorry for your loss, Nicholas. Think on the bright side; now the Jews may roam the streets freely. This sacrifice needed to be made." she consoled.
"I understand," sobbed Nicholas Cage, "but why does the world need to be so cruel!?"
"I bet Bill Gates is behind all this. He always is." replied Peridot.
Sonic opened his eyes slowly. His large, sleepy eyes blinked in the blinding luminescence of the city.
"Did we kill him?" he said meekly.
"We did it, Sonic! We got Mecha Hitler!" Peridot replied softly.
"We...need rest...Peridot, let's go home."
And so the group went their separate ways, leaving the streets devoid of all life. They moved on to a better life...for now.
Bill Gates stood in his study, contemplating his next move. The walls of his lair were gray and dark. They were adorned with the many artifacts of power he had in his possession. The steel door behind him opened to reveal Donald Trump and Equius Zahhak.
"I've got the binders, Bill! Those Mexicans will be gone in no time. Right, Bill?" said Trump.
Bill Gates chuckled quietly.
"Surely that moron didn't really expect me to follow up on that." Bill thought to himself. Equius spoke,
"D--> Redblood, Barack is proving unable to e%punge his free will at this time. Might I suggest an e%ecution?"
"Not yet," Gates replied, "we have uses for him."
CHATPER 2: THE GRATE BATTEL
Barack Obama sat quietly in his cell at Bill Gates' lair. The future was looking bleak, but Obama promised himself that he'd fix what he did. The walls were gray and padded, so that sound could not escape the room's clutches. There existed a single, tiny window at the back that revealed Obama was several hundred feet above the ground, surrounded by a thick forest. A single chromatic toilet was the cell's sole decoration. It clogged often.
The president jumped as the steel door of his cell opened with a hideous screech. Into his cell walked Equius Zahhak, yet another victim to Bill Gates' advanced brainwashing technology. His pale, gray skin seemed to be drenched in sweat.
"D--> Redblood. Are you prepared now to serve Bill Gates?" he said.
"No, uh, I am not," replied Obama.
"D--> I STRONGLY recommend doing so soon. Bill Gates has authorized torture as a means of punishment" replied the troll."
"Uh, never!" shouted Barack.
"D--> Pretty please?"
"I, uh need to be released immediately. I, uh, can't let Bill Gates become king of America."
Equius began sweating profusely.
"D--> I-Is that an order?" he stuttered.
"Yes it, uh, is. The fate of my country, nay, the entire world is at, uh, stake here." replied Obama.
"D--> Ugh, I need a towel." mumbled Equius as he absconded from the room.
Meanwhile, Sonic had just woken up in his bed in his house in Washington in America on Earth. His eyes were crusty and he blinked rapidly in a half-hearted attempt to fix it. His room was mostly bare; he had recently moved to Washington for business purposes. He wasn't patient enough to decorate, anyway. Alas, he got trolled by Terezi.
--gallowsCalibrator began trolling blueBlur at 8:09 A.M. GC: H3Y TH3R3 SON1C! CG TOLD M3 TO W4RN YOU 4BOUT OB4M4'S S3CR3T B1ND3RS...WH4T3V3R THOS3 4RE! BB: Heh. You're a bit late. Donald Trump has them. Karkat messaged you instead of your past self by mistake, sorry. GC: W3LL CR4P. DO YOU KNOW HOW H4RD 1T 1S TO G3T 1NT3RN3T 4ROUND H3R3? HUM4NS DON'T L1K3 1T WH3N YOU BR34K 1NTO THE1R HOUS3S TO US3 TH31R 1NT3RN3T, YOU KNOW. BB: Terezi! That's illegal! Breaking into people's houses is just no good. GC: OH J3GUS! 1 C4N SM3LL SOM3ON3 COM1NG! --gallowsCalibrator ceased trolling blueBlur at 8:12 A.M.
"Oh boy, I hope she won't be killlelled." mumbled Sonic.
All of a sudden, Shadow the Hedgehog burst through the window Slayer music began to play in the background. His extra powerful rocket shoes hit the carpeted interior with a thud even John Cena would be jealous of.
"Hey asshole," said Shadow, "check out these ROCKET BOOTS that Sollux made."
Shadow then proceeded to fly around Sonic's room while firing his submachine gun.
"Shadow! Long time no see! Sorry to bother you, but I'd prefer it if you entered through the door instead of the window." shouted Sonic over the Slayer music.
Shadow ceased his debauchery and looked Sonic in the eye while slowly putting ona pair of shades.
"Deal with it," he said. Somehow the Slayer music got even louder.
"Anyway, douchenozzel, Silver told me that you need to get to the resistance's secret hideout like right now."
"Good. I was just about to go looking for Obama anyway." replied Sonic.
Shadow gave Sonic the bird and flew off into the metropolis. The blue one got to his feet and dressed himself. Oh wait. He was already dressed. Okay then. His front door swung open, revealing streets full of cars and consumerism. He SuperUltraHyperSonic-Dashed through the streets, as he had learned to do so from Barney the Dinosaur all those years ago (See Appendix B). In exactly 2.5439 seconds, he came to none other than the Lincoln Monument. The blue hedgehog stumbled up the stairs and knocked on the monument 413 times. Then, he chanted the words "Amasne parvae puellae?" three times. The statue spread apart to reveal a stiff metal hatch underneath. Sonic opened the hatch and jumped down, laying eyes on a small, dirty tunnel with a steel door at the end. Sonic knocked on the door, and a voice from behind beckoned.
"What's the password?" it said.
"Nevermore," Sonic answered. The door opened to reveal Patrick Star.
"Come on in," he said.
Sonic waltzed on inside to the relaxing interior of the resistance's secret headquarters. The walls were carpeted in velvet and the doorknobs were made of pure gold. Sonic pranced down the hallway and approached a rather intimidating set of double doors. They were made of solid steel and weighed five hundred pounds each. They were installed so Shadow would stop kicking down the doors every time he entered.
Sonic grunted as he pushed the doors open and laid eyes upon a rather cramped cellar. In its center was a round table lit by a lamp haphazardly hung from the ceiling. Around it were seated the other members of the resistance. These members included Silver the Hedgehog, Shadow the Hedgehog, Peridot, Nicholas Cage, Karkat, Terezi, Dave, sans, Papyrus, Sollux, Alphys, Undyne, Sundowner, and Monsoon. They all chattered quietly under the dimming light.
"Sonic! You're late!" yelled Silver over the crowd. Sonic gave him a look of pure bewilderment.
"I made it here in two seconds, what do you mean?" replied the blue one.
Silver gave Shadow a penetrating glare.
"What? I'm not allowed to have a motherfuckin' Big Mac on the way?" croaked Shadow.
"YOU SHOULD HAVE SENT ME, THE GREAT PAPYRUS. I NEVER SLACK OFF!" blurted Papyrus.
"Shadow has Chaos Control and rocket boots. He's better equipped for the job," answered Silver.
"the last time we sent you, you really got yourself BONED." chuckled sans.
Papyrus was not amused.
"THAT WASN'T MY FAULT! THAT SIGN SAID I COULD WIN A F R E E IPOD!" he retorted.
"Alright guys! Settle down," said Silver.
The crowd settled down. Well, Shadow didn't. They're used to that.
"Due to an error on our messenger's part, our headquarters may be discovered soon," Silver continued, "Any ideas?"
Patrick entered the meeting room.
"We should take the city of Washington and PUSH it somewhere else!" he said.
Shadow cut him with his hunting knife.
Patrick fell to the floor and screamed for the duration of this chapter.
"Why don't we jus' kill whoever comes in here?" suggested Sundowner.
"I second this notion," added Monsoon.
"I third this notion," added Undyne.
"I...uhh...What if they're stronger than us?" stuttered Alphys.
"YOU IDIOTS. ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS CHANGE THE PASSWORD," shouted Karkat, "WHY DO YOU THINK VIOLENCE SOLVES EVERYTHING!? IT DOES NOT. BELIEVE ME!"
"TH3Y'R3 GO1NG TO G3T TO US 3V3NTU4LLY. WHY NOT H4V3 SOM3 FUN?" replied Terezi.
"guy2, ii hear 2omething at the door." interjected Sollux.
In a second's time, everyone in the resistance had gathered around the entrance.
"I'll take a look outside, you faggots," said Shadow.
He Chaos Control'd out of the room and returned a few seconds later.
"Yep. We're screwed!" he said.
Seconds later, Shadow, Silver, Undyne, Sundowner, and Monsoon climbed out of the entrance.
"What do you want?" inquired Silver.
A brainwashed Barney the Dinosaur stepped in front of the crowd.
"We're here to capture you," he said, "Bill Gates wants every one of you with him."
Sonic climbed up the hatch and saw Barney at the front of the invasion.
"Bill Gates you son of a bitch!" cried Sonic.
Barney was his one and only mentor. How could they do this to him! Peridot and Nicholas Cage climbed out of the hatch.
"Sonic! Don't lose control, that's what they want you to dooooooo!" yelled Peridot, but she was too late.
Sonic spin-dashed into the crowd and sheared off Brainwashed Vriska's left leg. She screamed as gallons of thick, cobalt blood splattered everywhere. The other soldiers did not react and continued forward. Shadow pulled his motorcycle out of his pocket and went to work. Gunshots echoed across the night sky, interrupted by screams.
Sundowner and Undyne charged into the crowd brandishing their weapons and their boldness. Sonic was not doing so well. His torso was scratched and bruised by the repeated attacks of the mindless minions. In his fury, Sonic knocked over Brainwashed Stephen Colbert, who dragged Sonic to the ground with him. Sonic struggled as he was choked by Colbert's hideous grip. After several more gasps, Sonic was knocked out. Peridot screamed, but she knew there was nothing she could do.
Sundowner let out a roar as he snapped Brainwashed Peewee Herman in half with his scissor-blades, but Brainwashed Gordon Ramsay tackled him and they both tumbled to the ground. Gordon Ramsay stomped on Sundowner's face while shouting "IT'S FUCKING RAW!" at the top of his lungs.
The other soldiers began joining in while Undyne kicked Brainwashed Pearl in the shin. Pearl, with adrot movement of her spear, knocked Undyne's weapon out of her hands and into the crowd. Undyne screamed and bit Pearl's leg and they both tumbled to the ground as a flurry of punches surrounded them.
Silver and Monsoon stood at a distance, throwing cars and large boulders with their telekinetic powers. Monsoon dodged a flying sword and groaned.
"I can't just stand here and let this happen." he said.
"Monsoon, we need your powers for after the invasion," replied Silver.
"I was born for WAR, dammit! I can't stand for this any longer. I'm going in!" Monsoon retorted as he charged into the crowd.
The army was growing. It seemed that every soldier that was killed was replaced with two more. Shadow's motorcycle was in shambles; his will to fight was wavering. With one last blow, Shadow's body failed him. Sundowner, however, was back on his feet and kicking ass with Monsoon at his side. Undyne was still strangling Brainwashed Pearl. Suddenly, the ground began to shake violently. The soldiers stared in disbelief, and the remaining resistance gasped in horror and terror. Out of the horizon rose Bill Gate's strongest soldier: MICHAEL FROM SCHOOL!
He wore the golden fedora of power, which granted him the powers of the anchuent Neckbeard Tribe of the North (See Appendix B). Ever since he was brainwashed he had been under intense training to perfect his powers and it was finally time to put them to the test. Michael from school held his fedora on his head, and with one tip of his hat he chanted the dark spell.
"M'lady," he said, putting on an enlightening grin.
All of the people in the battlefield froze in place, awed by such a chivalrous act. All of the females swooned on the spot. Sundowner and Monsoon stood still, terrified of the power held by the Golden Fedora of Truth. Five minutes before, sans, Papyrus, Alphys, Sollux, Karkat, Dave, Nicholas Cage, and Peridot sat by the entrance and waited.
"I, u-uh, hope they're doing okay." said Alphys.
"This is stupid," Peridot exclaimed, "I wish I had the power to go out and fight alongside them."
"SILVER SAID THAT WE'RE TOO VALUABLE TO THE TEAM TO DIE. REALLY, THOUGH, ISN'T FIGHTING BILL GATES THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS GROUP?" yelled Karkat.
"So, uh, what do you guys do for fun around here?" interjected Dave.
"Wanna have a rap battle?" replied Nicholas Cage.
"Heck Yeah!" answered Dave.
---RAP BATTLE START--- Cage: Your rhymes are so bland. I think you may need a hand. Dave: You'd need four hands to make coherent rhymes, man. Dave: Your rhymes have no style, like the B movies you star in. Cage: You need more skills or you're gonna leave me hangin'. Cage: I've had more game than all of your fans combined. Dave: If they made a Con-Air 2, they're replace you with a swine. Dave: Not even Tavros would appreciate your terrible rap. Cage: I'll be at it all night, so give up now, you poor sap.
And so they continued for quite some time. Meanwhile, sans was getting restless.
"i don't think i can stand this any longer. my friends are being hurt. i can't let this happen." he said.
"VERY WELL, BROTHER! IF YOU ARE GOING THEN I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, WILL ASSIST YOU IN BATTLE!" replied Papyrus.
"no, Papyrus. i can't let you go. i couldn't live with myself if you died out there. don't worry, i'm gonna give them a BAD TIME." responded sans.
"VERY WELL...." mumbled Papyrus. He wandered off to spectate Dave's rap battle. Dave was winning.
Now, in the present, the hatch opened and sans climbed out. He nearly screamed when he saw Shadow, Sonic, Undyne, and Monsoon being dragged away. Michael from school gave sans a penetrating glare.
"it's a beautiful day outside, isn't it?" sighed sans.
"MMmmm...Almost as beautiful as your friends will be when I'm done with them ;)." replied Michael from school.
"GO TO HELL." shouted sans.
With a wave of his bony arm Michael from school was pinned to the ground and then slammed into the Lincoln monument. It crumbled under Michael's weight and he screamed in agony. The distinctive sound of Gaster Blasters populated the air as Michael from school suffered blow after blow. Alas, sans was getting a little tired. For just a moment, he stopped to catch his breath. Michael from school felt the blood-stained grass beneath him and was filled with DETERMINATION. Suddenly, the night sky filled with a bright yellow light. Lightning stuck all around. Electricity surrounded Michael's form. Trees started to shake violently. Fires started and stopped. Small rocks flew into the air. Filthy scrubs from across the land bowed to their new master. The few soldiers that were left fainted. Michael's hair turned yellow. His pupils disappeared. He had reached his final form:
S U P E R N E C K B E A R D
Sans began to worry. The Gaster Blasters didn't even phase Michael now. Sans sent bones flying in his direction but the final form fedora'd fighter dodged every one. Sans felt himself losing consciousness. He cried for help. It was then that Silver regained consciousness.
The battlefield was horrifying. The horizon was nothing but red and blue. Bodies piled higher than the buildings. Sonic's corpse was nowhere to be found; that's not good! He heard sans' cry and hurried over to him.
"this isn't looking too BONE-ificial to my health," said sans, "but if we combine our powers we may be able to give him a BAD TIME."
"Good idea!" replied Silver as he dodged Michael's katana. Sans and Silver rose up and focused their powers.
Suddenly, Michael from school had become frozen in place! Sans smiled. Well, he was already smiling but now he was smiling even more.
"Geeettttttt dunked on!" he shouted.
Sans summoned what remained of his power and threw millions upon millions of bones straight through Michael's chest. Michael screamed. His neckbeard had been burnt off. His fedora was in shambles. With one last blow, Michael from school exploded into Mountain Dew. It got on sans' face and he licked it off triumphantly. Unfortunately, fatigue had overtaken him.
Sans' head hit the ground as Silver descended. Silver checked sans' pulse. He was still breathing.
Suddenly, sans got up and grabbed Silver's arm. Silver blushed. Sans looked down.
"you got some mountain dew down there," winked sans, "...mind if i lick it off?"
"W-w-what?" Silver coughed. Sans raised his eyebrows. Silver's face was getting really red.
"Yo!" yelled Dave, "You killed 'em yet?"
"yeah. you could say he really got BONED." replied sans. A faint "GOD DAMMIT, SANS!" was heard in the distance.
Sans winked at Silver and they returned to the resistance's headquarters. He seemed to die inside a little bit as he told the other members of the casualties. The other members consoled each other for hours. Alphys was sobbing in the corner the whole time.
"Is there any way we can save them?" Peridot asked.
"Well...Bill Gate's probably hasn't brainwashed them yet...If we hurry we can save them!" replied Silver.
"THEN LET US GO!" shouted Papyrus.
"LET'S KICK HIS ASS!" cheered Peridot.
The sun came out from over the horizon, and the blood in the grass shined with vigour. Citizens had just begun to trickle back into the city. It was then that our heroes' real quest had begun.
CHATPER 3: INFILTRATION
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Sorry I took so long to write this chapter. 7th grade can be really stressful at times and I needed time to practice my SSBM skills so I can beat Michael from school. Seriously, screw you Michael from school! Quit ruining my fanfic!
Alphys say in the hideout theatre, enlightening Terezi on the absolute disgrace to film that is Mew Mew Kissie Cutie 3. Dave sat nearby, pretending to listen. Nicholas Cage and Peridot discussed the ethics of fusion. They were waiting for the repair of Shadow's motorcycle, so they could all drive to Bill Gates' lair. Before the last battle, Alphys had planted a tracking chip on Sonic, so they now knew that Bill Gates resided in the perilous land of DENMARK. A knock sounded from behind the crowd, and they all turned to find that sans had returned.
"alright guys, the motorcycle's as good as new," he said.
The gang jumped up and marched outside to find the motorcycle seated by the entrance. It was as if it had never been damaged in the first place.
"WOW, TH4T'S 4LOT OF DUCT T4P3!" piped Terezi.
"yep. i'd say it's quite a THIGHT." retorted sans.
"So, uh...Anyone know how to drive that thing?" asked Alphys.
Nicholas cage hopped onto the motorcycle.
"Let's go." he said.
Everyone hopped onto the motorcycle and they drove off. The wind cut through their skin as they steadily quickened. The streets of Washington spread out across their vision while the sound of everything in the world filled their ears.
"hang on to your hats, gentlemen," said sans, "things are about to SKELEscalate."
sans leaned forward, enhancing his grip on the handles. The motorcycle was going so fast that it began to lift off the ground. Alphys shrieked. The vehicle was moving so quickly that it did not need wings to stay afloat. The gang arrived in Denmark in a matter of minutes. The group held their breath as the motorcycle slowed down. At this point, the city of Denmark was laid out two thousand feet below them. G-forces flew as the bike hurtled toward the ground at speeds never seen before by man or monster or troll or gem or anything, really. Fortunately, Silver used his powers to stop the fall before they landed. Unfortunately, most of the team had passed out from the G-forces save for Silver, sans, and Papyrus.
"ARE MY FRIENDS OKAY!?" shouted Papyrus.
Silver checked their pulses.
"Well, they're still brea-"
"I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, WILL SAVE YOU!!!" interrupted the skeleton.
He proceeded to perform CPR on Alphys' unconscious body. Silver sighed. They appeared to have landed in the middle of a field on the outskirts of Denmark County. Skyscrapers towered over the horizon. A grand uproar could be heard even at this distance. Silver was captivated by the city's beauty. Even after all this time, Silver was still used to seeing nothing but fire and death wherever he went.
"somethin' wrong?" asked sans.
"I'm just...reminiscing," answered the psychic.
"i remember when i first came here," said sans,
"ronald mcdonald was quite the tough one, wasn't he?" replied Silver.
As you should know by now, sans was unlucky enough to reach the surface world during Ronald McDonald's reign of terror in 2015 (See Appendix A). When sans met Silver, they were only able to beat Ronald through the sacrafice of sans' genetic clone sister (See Appendix B). It was after Ronald was defeated that sans was invited to join the Resistance. Frisk also wanted to join, but Toriel wouldn't stand for it.
Two months before the Mecha Hitler incident, sans was visited by Hyper Darkspine Harry Potter before his untimely death. Harry told sans of his suspicions that Bill Gates wasn't the real culprit behind all of the attacks. It was on this very subject that the skeleton contemplated.
"silver, do you ever wonder why Bill Gates would do all of this?" asked sans.
"Obama believes that he wants to become king of America." replied Silver.
"that sounds pretty BONEfarious, but something tells me there's more to this than we think. eh, who cares."
Alphys stumbled over, flushed like a toilet. Papyrus came too.
"I DID IT! I SAVED ALPHYS!" yelled Papyrus.
"U-uh, Papyrus, that's not how you d-do CPR..." said Alphys, "You're supposed to p-push on the chest a few times in between the breaths, and u-uh, I wasn't really having cardiac arrest. T-thanks, I guess."
"Are the others awake yet?" inquired Silver.
"Yeah, We think B-Bill Gates is to the North." replied to lizard.
Silver locked his gaze to the North and saw a gigantic Scandanavian castle. It stretched higher than the clouds and was painted with camo to deflect the pedestrian's gaze. Fortunately, Silver had CamoVision™.
"We'd better hurry up then. Sonic will be brainwashed soon." stated the hedgehog.
Dave, Karkat, Terezi, Sollux, and Nicholas Cage caught up with the rest and they set off.
Meanwhile, at Bill's castle, Sonic sat alone in his holding cell. He remembered nothing that had happened since his capture; he just woke up. Sonic assumed he was at Bill Gates' lair, and his theory was confirmed once Brainwashed Markiplier entered the cell with a whip in hand.
"Hello ladies and gentlemen! Markiplier here," said he, "and today I'm going to play Sonic Brainwashing Simulator 2017!"
Sonic tucked himself away in the corner and tried to mentally prepare himself for the proceeding events. Markiplier closed in.
"Swear allegiance to Bill Gates, hedgehog, or I will be forced to use this whip in ways that you will not enjoy," said the Youtube man.
"Ha! You think you can threaten me? I'll never work with someone so scrupulously evil!" retorted Sonic.
He spin-dashed across the room and hit Markiplier with full force. His eye was knocked right out of its socket and blood flew from the wound like an escaping convict high on meth. Markiplier screamed and fell over, unprepared for such a rebellion.
Unfortunately for Sonic, Mark's scream was heard by the nearby guards who scurried into the scene. Into the battlefield entered Donald Trump and Brainwashed Senator Armstrong. Sonic was cornered! There was absolutely no way he could take them both at once. There really was no hope for Sonic. He was doomed. He was a mouse in a mouse trap. Absolutely nobody could save Sonic at all. Then all of a sudden, Cirno's theme began to play softly in the background.
The soldiers and Donald Trump gasped in shock and awe. Before them had arrived the esteemed figure of legend: It was I, THE GLORIOUS AUTHOR, here to save the day.
"Worry not, pally, I will save you." I said.
The senators charged at me, but then I turned Super-Saiyan and pushed them back with the power of my manly chest. Sonic fled from the scene. My saiyan might was too strong for the daring public officials. Donald Trump fell to his knees and begged for mercy.
"Your crimes against our people are great," I said, "but even though you're a BIG MEANIE, I shall spare you."
I began to walk away to free the other prisoners, but Donald Trump shot me in the back! It made me so angry that I turned Super Saiyan 87 and ripped his head off. Brainwashed Senator Armstrong charged at me with full force and I leapt up and crushed his head in between my thighs. Nanomachines fled from his wound as I dragged the two headless corpses into the cell and closed it. But then it occurred to me: There are children in Africa who haven't played Undertale yet!!! I just couldn't let this stand, so I flew away to enlighten the famished foreigners.
Meanwhile, Silver and cohorts had just entered the building. The scent of oppression filled their noses as they took in the grand atrium. The floors and ceilings shined hard enough the reflect the crew perfectly. All of the furniture was at a four inch margin from the walls. It was almost too perfect.
"i thought this place was supposed to be secret," sans said, "who's he tryin' to impress here?"
"He's probably trying to convince us that this place isn't so bad, so we'll let our guards down," said Peridot.
"Look!" said the Nicholas Cage, "it even has a McDonalds."
"not as good as grillby's, but i feel like taking a break." said sans.
"Guys! Aren't we trying to save someone from being brainwashed!? Come on!" shouted Silver.
"INDEED," said Papyrus, "I WILL CHECK THE BATHROOMS!"
Papyrus went into the men's room and returned seconds later.
"SONIC IS NOT IN THE BATHEROOM. I REPEAT, HE IS NOT IN THE BATHROOM!"
"I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU GUYS HATE SPLITTING UP, BUT WE SOULD PROBABLY SPLIT UP," said Karkat.
"Good idea. My Sonic could be getting brainwashed as we speak!" added Peridot.
"Karkat, Terezi, Sollux, Dave, Nicholas, you're going East," said Silver, "let's move."
And then they moved.
Meanwhile, Sundowner and Monsoon were still trapped in their cells. Sundowner was gnawing on the doorknob out of frustration. Suddenly, Nicholas Cage and the rest of his group approached.
"Yeah! Just like the good old days after 9/11!" shouted Sundowner.
"So, uh, " said the Cage, "anyone know how to pick locks?"
"BACK ON ALTERNIA, WE JUST KILLED WHOEVER CAME INTO OUR HOUSES," said Karkat, "WE REALLY HAVE NO IDEA."
All of a sudden, Brainwashed Kanye West entered the room.
"Woah, we got some intruders!" he shouted.
A couple more guards hurried into the room.
"Hey, hey, we can talk this out", said Dave.
"How about this: I challenge you, Kanye, to a rap battle. The winner gets to leave the room alive."
Even though all of Bill Gates' brainwashing had desensitized Kanyte to his desires, one desire held strong: the desire to rap.
"Let's do this," he said.
RAP BATTLE START!!!!! Kanye: You've no idea how long I've been waiting! These dank rhymes don't even deserve any rating. Dave: Exactly! There can't be a -5 outta ten, my rhymes can't be topped by any number of men. Kanye: Your points are mute, I'm the one with the kush. You're a filthy amateur, so you can talk to the bush! Dave: I'm the better of us two, you're just chock full of salt, and if you're on the floor cryin' it ain't my fault! Kanye: Don't you see you're just wastin' yo time, I'm the best of the best, this whole battle is mine!
And so they continued for quite some time. Meanwhile, Silver and etc. went to the West wing of the fortress. Frantic screaming could be heard at the end of the dim hallway, whose walls adorned the livers of those slain.
"WHAT ARE THOSE?" inquired the Great Papyrus.
"I'm not sure! I think it's what the humans use to pee!" shouted Peridot.
"Man, I wish Nicky was still here. He knows these things," she added.
Familiar footsteps were heard in the distance.
"Sonic!" shrieked Peridot.
"OH. IT'S THE BLUE ONE." mumbled Papyrus.
"Shadow should be around here, Papyrus." said Silver.
"i'd say his whereabouts are abit SHADY." sans grinned.
Before Papyrus could do anything drastic, Sonic spoke up.
"Guys! We don't have much time! Undyne's right behind my fighting off a bunch of guards; you've gotta help us!"
The crowd rushed toward the action, save for sans.
"sorry guys, i'm a bit too tired from yesterday," he lied, "i'm gonna find some more help."
LITTLE DID THEY KNOW THAT SANS WAS UP TO SOMETHING SPOOKY!
Meanwhile, back with Dave, the battle continued.
Dave: Oh my, my, would you look at the time. You're persistant, but you can't even outrap a mime. Kanye: Uh....Your shoes are untied... Nicholas Cage: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH SNAP!!!!!
Kanye cried out in frustration. He took out his tazer and electrocuted himself. His bodygaurds left the room.
"WOW. THAT MIGHT JUST BE THE DUMBEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN." groaned Karkat.
Sollux knelt down next to Kanye's corpse.
"Hey! He ha2 the key2 to the cells!" he observed.
Sollux freed the former World Marshall mercenaries.
"Finally! I don't think I could've stood any more of that rapping!" said Sundowner.
"It was....interesting, I'd say." replied Monsoon.
Meanwhilewhile, sans the skeleton was creeping through the hallway that deviated from the room the other fighters were participating in unarmed combat inside of. The hallway was devoid of all things, including a good source of light. sans handed himself a flashlight from the inside of his ribcage and began his trek. Every step the spooky skelebro took felt like it took ages. For some reason, he could hear absolutely nothing outside of the tunnel. If there was any place Bill Gates would be hiding, it was here. sans' hands were shaking violently. A single door marked the end of the hallway. It didn't have windows. sans felt like he didn't WANT it to have windows. A jolt of panic penetrated his skull. Is Papyrus okay? Silver wouldn't let anything happen to him, right? Reluctantly, sans turned his back on the door. The mystery can be solved some other time. However, the door opened behind him.
"So...We meet again." sans turned around and gasped.
The door was ajar, ad standing within its dull, bony frame was none other than JOHN JORDAN! sans tried to keep his cool.
"heh. are you that shia lebouf guy?" he said.
JJ pulled a basketball out of the void.
"You know me, sans. It's me, Michael Jordan!"
"n-no! impossible!!!" yelled the skeleton, "you're supposed to be dead!" (See Appendix E).
"Yet I am very much alive," continued the man, "and it's all thanks to Bill Gates. With his new technology, fusion is no longer restricted to Gems or Namekians. When I fused, I was given new life. My partner was more than willing to oblige. WIth my help, he's gonna dunk yo ass, AND HIS NAME IS JOHN CENA!!" Trumpets blared as the fusion grabbed sans and put him into a choke hold. sans was pinned to the ground as an absent crowd applauded. John Jordan kept him down for five seconds...seven seconds...nine seconds...KO! sans was out cold.
"GET! DUNKED! ON!" yelled the fusion.
He dragged the monster by the ankles into Bill Gates' chambers.
CHATPER 4: THE BIG SEEKRITE
Sonic and co looked upon the carnage that had been wrought. The once pristine room was desecrated by blood and dust.
"That was fucking awesome!" Shouted Undyne.
"Can't we have let just one of them go?" he replied.
"I've seen enough of these guys to know that there's no way to cure them," said Silver, "My first few months in the Resistance were spenting figuring that out. Just forget about it, trust me."
"CAN I OPEN MY EYES NOW?" asked Papyrus.
"Yeah, okay." said Silver.
"WOWIE! YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME YOU HAD ALL THIS TOMATO SAUCE! I WOULD'VE BROUGHT NOODLES!" replied the skeleton.
Meanwhile, Sans found himself tied to a chair. The room had no light, but he could hear shuffling next to him.
"heya. what're YOU in for?" he asked sleepily.
"Oh, uh, no! They, uh, got you as well!" replied Obama.
"fancy meetin' you here, mr. president. i guess we're in kind of a pickle, huh?" said the skeleton.
Obama chuckled meekly.
"I, uh, haven't eaten in days." He complained.
Sans heard a muffled shriek from outside the room.
"You clod! Unhand me!!!"
"You are no longer of use to us. We'll keep you in there until you're ready to be harvested."
"that doesn't sound pleasant." said Sans.
The door flung open, blinding the two captives. A thump was heard as someone was thrown into the room. Sans caught a glimpse of a tall figure in the doorway as it slammed shut.
"welcome to the club, stranger." he said.
"Augh! As if this couldn't get any worse!" said the voice.
"don't worry, i bet we'll be seeing the GATES of heaven in no time." replied the comic in a half-hearted attempt at masking his despair.
"What's heaven?" replied the voice.
"You aren't from, uh, around here, are you? What's, uh, your, uh, name?" asked Obama.
"I am Peridot."
"no way! how'd they catch you so quickly?" exclaimed sans.
"Quickly? I've been trapped with these CLODS for months now!" replied the gem.
"hey, sarcasm aint funny. i saw you with the others just a few minutes ago."
"What!? That wasn't me!!!! I've been here being abused while you guys were waltzin' around your stupid secret base!" Peridot shouted before bursting into tears.
"My only hope was that some day you'd notice that I was gone!" she sobbed, "Now we're all gonna die!"
"She's, uh, right you know. They faked my, uh, death. Noone will ever find us." he mumbled.
"ugh..." sans mumbled, hiding his pain.
He could no longer think of any snappy comments to lighten the mood, so all he could do is sit there and wallow in his sorrow. The more he thought, the more hopeless he became. His pupils faded from his eye sockets as he admitted defeat.
"SANS! WHERE IS HE?" Papyrus shouted.
The crew searched the blood-stained room feverishly.
"Damnit!" Shouted Silver. "I knew I shouldn't have let him stray from the group!"
He dropped to his knees for a few moments.
"I need to go find him myself. You guys can go free Shadow." said the white guy.
"Hey! I'm not letting you go alone, buddy!" said Sonic as he approached the futuristic furry.
"Then I'll be coming with you." said Peridot. "If you die, at least I'd have a chance to save you."
"More like I'll have a chance to save YOU!" teased Sonic.
"Huh, that one usually gets her goat." mumbled Sonic as he stumbled out of the door.
The others stood in silence for a minute or so. Papyrus looked very concerned.
"I NEED TO GO FIND MY BROTHER!" he said.
He began to make a run towards the doorway, but Silver froze him in place.
"No! I'm not about to lose another fighter!" he said, "You know you can't fight!"
"I USED TO BE CAPTAIN OF THE ROYAL GUARD! I CAN DO IT!" shouted the skeleton.
"No, you weren't!" shouted Undyne, throwing a spear to incapacitate him.
Papyrus dodged it narrowly and sent out his own attack in the form of a slender, flying bone. He used his blue attack on Silver, causing him to stumble and lose focus, freeing Papyrus from the psychokinetic trap. The scarfed skeleton ran through hall after hall, never even thinking about where he was going.
"SANS!" he shouted, again and again.
The hopelessness of the situation began to set in his mind. Papyrus stopped running. He found himself in a long, eerie hallway devoid of all sound. He used his light magic to produce a flashlight from his boney pecs. He didn't notice Undyne running up from behind him.
"NGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" she shouted as she tackled Papyrus to the floor.
"Snap out of it! You're going to die on your own! Sans would never want you to do this!" said the fish.
"NGH...NONSENSE! OF COURSE SANS WOULD WANT ME TO SAVE HIM! HE WANTS ME TO SAVE EVERYONE! I WON'T LET HIM DOWN! NOT AGAIN!" cried Papyrus, remembering the time he almost let Sans eat a defective Krabby Patty.
Silver dashed in behind them, panting heavily.
"I...Understand...I loved him, too...But if we lose our heads now, we're all going to perish!" he said.
Sonic and Peridot followed closely behind. Papyrus clasped his hands together, tears streaming down his boney features, and he prayed.
"O, GREAT MR. SKELTAL, SHOW ME THE PATH TO FREEDOM!" Papyrus held out his wrist and slit it with a pocket knife.
"Oh, will you just shut up already! There's no such thing as Mr. Skeltal, you nerd!" complained Undyne.
"Let him believe what he wants!" retorted Sonic.
Suddenly, the hallway began to brighten. Sounds started echoing throughout the hall. They almost sounded like...trumpets!
"HE'S HERE!" shouted Papyrus.
Sure enough, at the end of the hall appeared a gigantic skull holding a shining, holy trumpet with its disembodied hand. Papyrus' face sparkled in the skele-god's cleansing light. Mr. Skeltal brought the trumpet up to its mouth and blew two notes.
As quickly as he appeared, Mr. Skeltal went away.
"I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH GOOD CALCIUM!" exclaimed Papyrus, "WE CAN'T LOSE NOW!"
He marched haughtily towards the door. The door opened, splashing everyone with the light and sound of millions of machines.
"This must be where Gates is!" shouted Sonic.
"Not so fast, " shouted Peridot.
She drew her blaster and aimed it at the crew.
"What the hell!?" Sonic shouted.
"I don't want to do this, Sonic, but I am under Bill Gates' control. If you do not leave now, I will be forced to take action." the "gem" said.
"YOU LITTLE BITCH-NUGGET!" screamed Undyne.
Silver froze her before she did anything rash.
"What do you mean you're under Bill Gates' control?" Silver said.
"I'm not really Peridot." said Peridot.
She touched the gem on her forehead, and smoke swallowed her shimmering form. It turns out that she was actually Blaze the Cat.
"What the....why?" Sonic whispered, tears welling up in his eyes.
The transformation shocked Silver enough to lose focus and let go of Undyne. Undyne leaped across the room and stuck Blaze in the shoulder. The resulting blow triggered another cloud of smoke, revealing Blaze to actually be Hillary Clinton!!!
"Drats!" said the former presidential nominee.
Undyne gasped as Hillary hit her with a fire spell. Silver lifted Hillary into the air, but she broke his psychokinetic field with ease.
"Impossible!" Shouted Silver.
Hillary ripped off her overcoat to reveal a metallic, black cyborg body.
"Nanomachines, boy!" she shouted.
Hillary dashed across the room and punted Silver, sending him flying into the machine-filled harvest room.
"Who's next?" said she.
"Stop it!" Sonic said, grabbing Clinton by the arms.
"Stay out of this!" She said, flinging him to the ground.
Undyne snuck up behind her and stabbed her with a spear. Hillary coughed for a moment before pulling it out like it was a splinter. Her wound disappeared in seconds. She clobbered Undyne with the back of her hand, pushing the fish lady to the floor.
"UNDYNE!!!" Papyrus excreted.
He raised his bony hands over his head and a cage of solid bone erected around the old woman.
"I KNOW IT'S VERY TEMPTING TO KEEP GOING DOWN THE PATH YOU ARE GOING, BUT I IMPLORE YOU TO RECONSIDER! DO NOT HURT US!" Papyrus negotiated, but Hillary had already broken through the cage.
She stomped across the hall and grabbed Papyrus by the throat before he could react.
"N....YE...H....." choked the skeleton.
Hillary assumed the expression of a father punishing his child. She began to sweat profusely.
"No!" shouted Sonic.
He spin-dashed towards Hillary Clinton at 320mph. He collided with her cybernetic spine, cutting it about 3 inches deep. Hillary let go of Papyrus and growled.
"I told you to get OUT!" she screamed, but Sonic just glared at her.
"I thought I loved you...but it was all just a ruse!" Sonic threw one of Undyne's spears at Hillary.
She let it bounce off of her muscular, hairy cyborg chest.
"I can't stand to even look in your direction," cried Sonic, "you're worse than any Nazi I've ever encountered."
"Yes," nodded Hillary, eyes watering, "yes I am."
She fell to her knees. Papyrus scrambled to his feet.
"WOWIE! YOU DID IT!" he cheered.
"I will die if I do not obey Bill Gates, but I cannot bring myself to hurt anymore." whimpered Hillary.
She took out a watermelon seed and ate it.
"Goodbye, old friends." She concluded.
Hillary Clinton laid on her back as a fully grown, ripe watermelon burst through her stomach. Blood sprayed onto Sonic's anguished expression. Hillary Clinton was dead, but is Peridot still alive? Suddenly, a man appeared in the doorway.
"My, my, what a mess you've made." said the suited man.
His glasses shone brightly in the darkness of the chamber. It was Bill Gates, of course. Sonic screamed a scream of a thousand screaming screamers as he charged toward the multimillionaire mastermind. Bill Gates teleported behind him, causing Sonic to run into Papyrus, sending them both tumbling to the floor.
"I've been expecting you," said Bill.
Papyrus used his blue attack, causing Bill Gates to stumble.
"There is no need for violence...yet...so cease your squandering and let me escort you to my chambers. I take it you might recognize some of its residents." he negotiated.
Sonic scrambled to his feet and prepared a spin dash. Sparks flew as the distant whirring sound filled the room, but Bill Gates did not feel like fighting. He used the chaos emeralds to slow down time and drag Sonic, Papyrus, and Undyne to their new homes.
Sans sat in deep thought, tears staining his skeletonic features. Obama was meditating. Before he could even blink, four new people appeared out of nowhere. Sonic's momentum caused him to dash straight into the wall, knocking him out cold. The others were also very disoriented.
"Welcome, uh, to your, uh, doom." Obama jokes half-heartedly.
Silver groaned and rubbed his head.
"THE BASTARD! I'LL RIP HIS HEAD OFF!" Undyne yelled.
She took in her surroundings. It was nearly pitch black in the room.
"whelp, that's probably not happenin' any time soon. hey undyne." mumbled sans.
"SANS? IS THAT YOU?" exclaimed Papyrus.
Sans got up and tried to embrace his brother, but tripped over Silver. Silver groaned and held his head in his hands. He didn't like failing the entire population of Earth, especially for the second time. His lower abdomen had a massive bruise. He laid back down on the floor in defeat.
"SANS! YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED! PERIDOT IS ACTUALLY THAT MILLARY FLINTON WOMAN!"
"What!? No I'm not!" said the real Peridot.
"PERIDOT! WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE? I SAW YOU DIE!"
"That's bull honkey! I bet those clods made another Peridot to take my place..." Peridot's faced stretched into a manic grin.
"Oh, who cares! We're all gonna die!" she uttered, falling on her back.
"THERE IS NOT NEED TO WORRY, STRANGE ROCK CREATURE! THE GREAT PAPYRUS IS HERE TO SAVE TEH DAY WITH HIS (DIFFICULT) BROTHER, SANS!" said the skeleton.
"yeah. what was i so worried about, anyway? with all of us here, we should be able to do something." said the blue skeleton.
A brief flash of light blinded the cast as a family-sized bag of Doritos was shoved into the room.
"Eat up, y'all. Three hours until you're harvested." said a voice that sounded suspiciously like Michael Jordan.
"Gee, thanks for the memo." groaned Silver.
"speakin' of memos, i bet those homestuck guys are still out there freeing prisoners." said sans.
"Well they'd better hurry up!" eched Peridot.
Meanwhile, the other guys have fought their way to the end of the East wing of the castle. Shadow had a cell all to himself, with 32 different locks keeping it closed at all costs. The door itself was windowless, but judging by the how loud Shadow was screaming, it wasn't pleasant in there.
"HURRY UP! WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!" commanded Karkat.
Monsoon dashed over and began using magnetic force to undo each and every lock. Sundowner barged in and cut a hole in the door with his scissor blades. Monsoon looked pretty pissed off.
"Oh, what's that matter?" jeered the Invincible One, "didn't get to play with your TOYS?" Monsoon gave Sundowner a brisk slap across the face.
Suddenly, an alarm sounded.
Red light flooded into the room and all of the computers turned on simultaneously. The gang hurried into the cell, which was actually really large. Shadow himself was bound in chains against the farthest wall. Said wall was painted hot pink and had rainbow stickers all over it. A wooden horse was placed near a pile of My Little Pony figurines. On the cieling was painted a gigantic sun with a smiley face on it. Dave burst out laughing.
"GOD DAMN IT! GET ME OUT OF HERE!" shouted the edgelord. "IT'S DRAINING ALL OF MY EMO POWERS!"
Sundowner made quick work of the chains and soon they were on their way. Suddenly, a blinding flash signified the entrance of Bill Gates.
"Good evening," he said. "What a wonderful coincidence. I was just about to harvest your allies. Stand still and I'll bring you to them."
"I'M SICK OF YOUR SHIT, BILL GATES!" shouted Shadow, pointing a finger.
Shadow froze time with Chaos Control and kicked Bill Gates in the crotch 57 times in succession. Then he took out his shank and stabbed Bill in the chest 666 times. When time unfroze, Bill Gates was nothing more than a bloody pulp.
"Jesus Christ! Take it easy, man!" exclaimed Dave Strider.
Shadow threw up on the floor.
"Agh! I used up all my emo-power! Fuck! I'm gonna pass out...." said Shadow as he fell down.
Nicholas Cage knelt down and felt his pulse.
"He's still alive. I think I need to take him to the edge-hospital." said Cage.
"i'll come too. i've done ab2olutely nothing of value 2o far." said Sollux.
The two ran off carrying Shadow's limp, soggy biscuit of a body.
"ALRIGHT, FUCKBOYS. ANYONE KNOW WHERE WE CAN FIND THE HARVEST ROOM?" shouted Karkat.
"Typical harvest rooms are located at the center of the building to allow for efficient transmission of elecrical energy to the rest of the facility." expounded Monsoon.
Sundowner gave him an odd look.
"YOU HEARD HIM. LET'S GET A MOVE ON BEFORE TEREZI GETS BORED AND DECIDES TO TRY AND EAT THE CORPSES." shouted Karkat.
Terezi backed away from the boiling pile of sludge that used to be Bill Gates.
"WH4T? NO! 1'D N3V3R, 3V3R DO TH4T!" said Terezi, wiping blood from her lips.
The ground began to shake violently as a giant, sweating green mass barrelled towards them.
"Fuck! It's Shrek!" shouted Dave as he rolled out of the way.
"PLAYTIME'S OGRE!" shouted Shrek as he braced himself for combat.
Sundowner suddenly felt very, very old. Shrek hunched over into a ball and began to shit uncontrollably. The force of the turd barrage sent him flying like a missile. He collided into Dave, sending them both crashing down. Terezi jumped onto them and began to gnaw on Shrek's ear, but he threw her off, letting Dave have a moment of rest before he decked Shrek in his jaw, dislocating it.
"Shraughinafugah! EEugh!" shouted the wounded Ogrelord.
By now the shit he had left behind had began to smell like an ocean of corpses. The smell encouraged Terzi to throw herself up from the floor and throw her walking cane straight into Shrek's butthole, which was exposed as Shrek bent over to fight Dave. Dave narrowly missed the blow as Shrek howled in pain. His blood began pumping extraordinarily quickly. Shrek began to feel things he hadn't felt in a long, long time. Sundowner, sitting in the corner holding his nose, saw an opportunity to strike. He stood up, but Monsoon told him to sit back down.
"This is not our battle, brother. It's inevitable that our bodies will decay along with our minds, but we must enjoy the brighter sides of life that we never got to experience during out time at World Marshall. Haven't you ever wanted to start a family, Sundowner?"
"Shut the fuck up! I'm not your brother!" said Sundowner. "I didn't sign up for this mess to stand around doin' nothin'!"
Sundowner charged at Shrek with his scissor blades poised in front of him. Shrek's turds were splattered beneath Sundowner's feet as the screaming filled the room. Shrek braced for a counter-attack, but he suddenly felt...reluctant. What is this feeling, Shrek thought to himself. He remembered it well. Sundowner closed his blades around Shrek's bulky neck, increasing pressure so the blades slowy churned through the flesh. Shrek recovered from his revelation and snapped the scissor-blades in two with his bare hands. Sundowner was absolutely befuddled. Shrek grasped his neck, screaming in agony. God damn, that'd hurt, wouldn't it? Shrek fell to his knees, gasping for air. Karkat frowned. Usually, the brainwashed masses fought tooth-and-nail until they were dead.
"WAIT A SECOND, GUYS! HE ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BE DOING THAT!" he commanded.
Dave got up and wiped the blood from his mouth and stared at the big green meanie and burst into crazed laughter at the sight of Terezi's cane and its inconvinient location. Shrek wondered what the boy was laughing about, but as he thought about his situation, the cane up his butt, the shit all over the room, his hands and neck caked with blood, he remembered where he came from, and why he came here. He remembered that Bill Gates...was his enemy! Shrek began to weep at the thought of all that he'd done while brainwashed. Poor, poor Hitler. Shrek knew him well. Terezi, about to make another punch, reeled backwards in shock as she realized what she'd done. The crowd stared at the shivering Shrek and watched.
"I t-though there w-wasn't a cure...Oh god! I'm going to feel sick!" said Dave as he fell over.
Sundowner didn't give as shit. He hated ogres, anyway. Terezi unsheathed her cane from Shrek, wiping it off with her handkerchief. She raised it over her head in triumph.
"1T'S T1M3 TO PLUG SOM3 BUTTHOL3S, BOYS!" she shouted.
CHATPHER 5: THE FINILLY
Minutes flew by in the blackened room where the prisoners awaited execution. Doritos were viciously devoured and relationships deliciously mended. If their deaths were to come soon, they might as well enjoy themselves. Peridot stood in the corner silently, trying not to listen to Sans and Silver performing their stupid mating rituals. Unlike those other clods, she was the only one who was actually thinking about how to escape. She's had to do all the thinking for her team before, so she was used to it. Undyne stumbled over, drunk on Mountain Dew™.
"Git yer stone ass over here, ya cloood." she mumbled.
Peridot grimaced at being called a 'clod.' That was HER word!
"What do you want?" Peridot replied.
"That blue guy...burp...he's bin reely down since ya killed yerself...wait a minute..." Undyne began pondering why Peridot was still here.
Instead of thinking it through, though, she fell asleep on the floor.
"Is this that...Shawn-ic...You were talking about?" Peridot wondered aloud.
Not that she could hear herself over all the screaming and moaning.
"WILL YOU CLODS QUIT THAT? I'M TRYING TO THINK!!!" she screamed.
Silver apologized profusely while Sans continued to jerk off.
"Peridot!? Oh no! I'm going insane, aren't I!?!?" Sonic said.
He had just woken from his state of unconsciousness. To hear Peridot's voice again...It both pleased and terrified him. Sonic stumbled across the room in the direction of the noise. Sonic stepped in something foul...Shit, he presumed. The hedgehog reeled in horror.
"sorry about that," said Sans, gripping his garter belt, "i guess leaving that there was pretty SHITTY of me."
Silver laughed so hard that his gag fell out of his mouth and his Batman™ mask almost fell off. Papyrus sat sobbing in the corner. Despite these obstacles, Sonic found his way to Peridot's location.
"Is that really you, Peridot? H-How did you get here?" Sonic pleaded.
"Of course I'm Peridot! Who are YOU?" she demanded.
Sonic was horrified.
"Don't you remember when we strangled Mecha Hitler together? Don't you remember all the good times we had?" he cried.
"I don't remember anything that happened before they captured me...Why would I ever work with the likes of you?" Peridot asserted, "They told me that I was part of some secret book club or something stupid like that. Then again, I shouldn't listen to the clods who tortured me for months on end..."
Sonic realized that this was not the Peridot he fell in love with. He knew it was too good to be true. Sonic slumped against the wall and fell asleep once more, groaning. Barack Obama tried to comfort Papyrus, but it didn't work.
"SANS FOUND A NEW BROTHER...SNIFF...NOW WHO AM I GOING TO YELL AT FOR MAKING LAME JOKES?" sobbed the skeleton.
Obama patted him on the head. Alas, all things must come to an end eventually. An instant, intense spurt of light invaded the room like a batallion of angry lobsters. The door creaked so loudly that Papyrus had to cover his nonexistant ears. The crew would have loved to see who opened it, but their eyes were still adjusting to the light.
"Alright, suckas! It's time to get HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARVESTED!!!!" said Michael Cena...Uh...John Jordan.
"I won't let my guard down this time, you lumpy clumpy clod!!" screamed Peridot, dashing towards the exit door.
It was locked, obviously. The others followed after her, but in their confusion they all bumped into eachother and fell. One by one Michael Ce- God damn it, John Jordan dragged them into one of the many machines in the room. Each one contained a cylindrical apparatus for storing the victim as well as several copper wires extending across the room. They were spread randomly throughout the dank corners of the harvest room. The victims fought, of course, but let's consider John Jordan for a second. He was JOHN CENA. FUSED. WITH MICHAEL JORDAN. He had a body that no amount of steroids could replicate. He was nothing short of a demigod. Thus, each member was haphasardly shoved into the thick, throbbing mechanical cylinders. Slowly, they began to suck the lavish life juices out of each and every body. Not only was it intensily painful, but it also hurt a lot.
John Jordan paced around and around, waiting for his job to finally be done and for him to be set free. His hopeful musing was rudely interrupted by a loud banging on the door. It was followed by an armada of irritable voices and grunts, so John Jordan opened it, expecting Bill Gates to come with more orders. Instead, he found the combined forces of Karkat, Terezi, Dave, Sundowner, and Monsoon barging into the harvest room.
"WHERE ARE YOU KEEPING THEM?" demanded Karkat.
John Jordan was stunned, but quickly regained his confidence and refuted,
"Y'all have some nerve tryin' to make ME talk. I'll slam dunk yo lil' asses and then I'll harvest you all!"
"TH3N B3ND OV3R, B1G BOY >:P" Terezi said.
Sundowner and Monsoon charged at John Jordan and tackled him to the ground. They began flipping him over, but John Jordan threw them off, but not before Dave wrapped his arms around John's neck. John gagged and stumbled around the room, slamming both him and Dave into the wall. The resulting impact shook the entire room, spilling the powerful artifacts from the walls. Sundowner pinned John Jordan to the wall using his scissor blades.
"DON'T KILL HIM YOU FUCKNUT!" shouted Karkat.
Sundowner rolled his eyes and both he and Monsoon grabbed hold of John's arms and flipped him over. Terezi readied her crippling blow: one strong walking cane to the butt. John screamed like mad as he felt it enter. Oddly, a sound of shattered glass echoed from him. The cane was removed, and John Jordan slunk to the ground, completely aghast. A white light hid his form as he unfused. When the crew was able to see again, there was an unconcious John Cena and the corpse of Michael Jordan. The gang cheered and danced, but Monsoon saw something odd. He picked it up from the ground and saw that it was the remains of a tiny, shattered, white gem.
"Curious indeed." said the cyborg.
"Over here, my dudes!" said Dave.
He had found the harvesting machines and who was inside of them.
"OH FUCK! GET THEM OUT GET THEM OUT GET THEM OUT!!!" cried Karkat.
Monsoon pulled the power switch, making the room go completely dark. A jumble of clinking and groaning signified the escape of the trapped peoples. Papyrus used his light magic to see the scene of the crime.
"SANS! ARE YOU OKAY!?"
"yeah bro...ugh, that hurt like hell..." replied his brother.
Silver caught sight of his saviors and bellowed,
"That is a very nice thing you did, Karkat."
"THANKS," the troll replied, "IT WAS ALL THANKS TO THE POWER OF MOTHERFUCKING FRIENDSHIP."
Unfortunately, Peridot's physical form had been destroyed, leaving her limb enhancers scattered across the floor. Sonic scooped up the gem in his hands and pocketed it, though he had a massive headache from the harvest machine.
"Wait! Where's Nicholas Cage? He didn't die, did he!?!?" panicked Silver.
Dave patted Silver on the back and stated,
"Shadow had an edge shortage, so Nick and Sollux took him to the hospital. But man, you should've seen those sick rhymes I laid down on the way! 'Sticks and stones,' my ass!"
Silver was not impressed by Dave's sick rhymes as Dave repeated them verbatim to the entire room.
"J3GUS, H4V3 4NY OF YOU 3V3N BROUGHT UP TH3 F4CT TH4T B1LL G4TES 1S D34D??" intercepted Terezi.
"Bill Gates is WHAT???" shouted Silver.
"H3H H3H! H1S BODY T4ST3D L1KE M1CROCH1PS..." Terezi added.
After that news was shared the room erupted in excited speaking of the mouth. Over the ocean of words, Undyne had only one thing on her mind...
"Where's Alphys!?" She exclaimed. "Oh my fucking god how did I forget about Alphys!? Where the hell did she get off to???"
Undyne paced the room frantically, as if her life was put on fast-forward. She yanked at the door, she kicked and smashed and stabbed it as much as she could. It did not move.
"HOW THE FUCK DO WE GET OUT OF HERE!?" she screamed.
The crowd stopped talking instantly. Panic ensued. Chairs were overturned.
In their dilly-dallying, the door had shut itself and was now only openable by a Microsoft-Brand Magic Skeleton Key™. Sonic pawed through John Cena's pockets, finding the ramains of a shattered key, but he was trampled by an unsuspecting Monsoon and they both fell to the floor on top of eachother. Sundowner was clawing at the door with his blades, but all it did was tire his old joints. Silver pawed at his ears, because the screaming was making his ears hurt. Karkat was pushed aside by the panicked crowd and he fell to the floor next to Silver. He lifted his gray head up and both he and the hedgehog nodded to eachother. They knew exactly what to do. Standing up slowly, they both took very deep breaths.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!"
The volumous command penetrated even the most resistant of ears. Many people toppled over, clenching their ears. Complete silence had been freed from captivity at last, save for the intense ringing in everyone's ears.
"CALM THE FUCK DOWN YOU EAR RAPISTS AND TRY DOING SOMETHING USEFUL FOR ONCE!" Karkat added.
"Monsoon, try using your magnetic powers to undo the lock!" said Silver.
Monsoon waved his hands in front of the door, but nothing happened. Silver tried using his own powers, but the door did not budge.
"WORRY NOT, MY DEAR FRIENDS! I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, HAVE CONCOCTED THE MOST NEFARIOUS OF SCHEMES!" said Papyrus, ripping his thigh bone out of its socket and limping towards the door.
"bro. what the fuck." sans mumbled.
"NYEH! BT THE POWER OF MR. SKELTAL, MY THIGH BONE SHALL BECOME A...SKELETON KEY! NYEHEHEHEHEH!" replied the scarfed one.
The bone entered the door's lock and it opened immediately. The other cheered and crowded around the skeleton as they all tried to hug him at once. Papyrus replaced his thigh bone and stood in triumph.
Meanwhile, Alphys was lying on the ground outside of Bill Gates' castle. She had been assigned to watch over the motorcycle, or rather, she had assigned herself to watch over the motorcycle. She didn't feel that guilty about not going in there to fight with the others. They would've told her to stay behind anyway. Unfortunately, Sollux and Nicholas Cage had to use the motorcycle to take Shadow to the hospital. She had exhausted all other methods of entertainment, so she began to worry for her friends, for Undyne. As she slowly crept towards the castle, her mind was bombarded by thoughts of what a terrible idea this was. A small, stoney-looking woman tapped Alphys on the shoulder. Alphys shrieked and slapped her in the face out of reflex.
"Oh g-god! I'm s-so sorry!" she said.
The woman was completely black. Not, like, African American, but the actual color black. She wore a convoluted crown of many spikes, a dark gemstone lying in its center. The black gem grabbed Alphys with her other arm.
"GET IN HERE, FAGGOT!" she shouted in a crackly, distorted voice.
Alphys struggled as the gem held her against its body and Alphys slowly began to fade from reality. White light once again enveloped the area and there stood Black Diamond, now twice as large. Her head was contorted to blend with that of the lizard lady, and a new tail adorned her backside. Unlike most other gems, Black Diamond had the ability to fuse with any living thing and still maintain her identity. Alphys' soul was now trapped inside Black Diamond's crooked form. Satisfied, the diamond charged towards Bill Gates' castle. Sonic felt the earth shake beneath him. Small fragments of stone fell from the cieling. Panicked, he looked to his fellow resistance members, who were also in a state of bewilderment.
"The castle is collapsing!" screamed Undyne.
"Get out of here! NOW!" shouted Silver.
Everyone scattered. Sonic ran for his life, desperately moving just fast enough to get by without running into walls. His feet bombarded the crusty stone floor with blow after blow. He did not see who or what was around him. All he could see was his imminent doom as he dashed down hallway after hallway, jolting every time the ground shook and more debris fell from the heavens. His heart battered his ribcage with such force. He could feel the air being split apart before him by his rapid movement. The air wrapped itself around his sarcophegus, ready to strangle him. Undyne struggled through every step she took, anxiety strangling her head and distorting her judgement. Never before had she needed to run from a foe. Stumbling, she labored for her every breath as she descended the hundreds of ramps surrounding the fortress. She could feel in her heart that the end was near. What could be causing all this chaos? Black Diamond had infiltrated the main entrance, trampling across every room, holding every body against her as she accumulated fusion power. Her limbs grew and multiplied; her face became an unrecognizable mish-mash of people. Every new iteration of Black Diamond made the Earth tremble in fear. At this rate, she will be unstoppable. Drooling feverishly, she tore down the door leading to the prisoners' cells. Every step she took indented the floor with her monsterous biology. The tears of every soul she took from the world streamed down her back like a cape of misery. She caught sight of Bill Gates' remains with one of her many, many eyes.
"OH FUCK! They already got him. Filthy scub, you may have created me, but you're a pathetic excuse for a lifeform. I should never have trusted you to work for me." said she, scooping up the corpse and shoving it into her mouth, her thousands of teeth crushing it into a fine paste.
Silver skidded to a halt at the end of the hallway, catching sight of this cannibalistic horror. He had no words to speak, his senses overwhelmed with shock, confusion, terror, and despair. Gathering his wits, he focused his power on lifting Black Diamond into the air, but she was just too powerful. The fusion opened an eye on the back of one of her tails and saw Silver. Silver tried to run, but was instantly trapped in the grip of Black Diamond's many appendages. White light exploded into the room and Silver's essence was absorbed into the crystalline beast. She knew that she needed to let her physical form grow to support more fusions. Crouching down, Black Diamond glowed as her physical form pushed the boundaries of the room and the boundaries of reality itself. The castle crumbled over and under her, becoming her skin and her clothes. Black Diamond grew until her head had reached the clouds themselves. Undyne saw the ground beneath her sink, so she threw herself out of the nearest window. The trolls followed suit, but unfortunately Dave tripped on the floor. His perception of time began to slow down as he grabbed at anything and everything to slow his descent. At last, he caught hold of something...It was Karkat's hand!
"Thanks, bro!" Dave stammered as he was pulled up.
The duo watched as the other half of the castle crumbled down.
"WE NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS CASTLE..." Karkat yelled.
Dave began to lower himself out of the window, but Karkat shouted,
"WAIT A MINUTE, STRIDER...I SHOULD TELL YOU THIS BEFORE WE DIE...I...OH GOD...I FUCKING LOVE YOU, DAVE." Dave blushed as he tried to find the best words to use.
"Sorry, uh, I'm not gay, man. Um, you're still cool." was his reply.
Karkat lowered his eyelids.
"OH, OF COURSE. HOW ANTICLIMACTIC." he said, scratching the back of his head.
In a few seconds, the sunken ship had climbed a rope safely to the ground. What, did you think they just lept out of there like some intoxicated gibbons? What kind of idiot would do that? Undyne, Papyrus, Sonic, and Sans stood in awe of the destruction going on as Karkat, Dave, and Terezi quickly caught up with them. Obama traipsed in a few seconds later, saying goodbye before heading back to the White House. On account of the collapsing fortress, all they could hear was banging and thudding, so they could not speak, but they all knew that without Silver things were looking pretty hopeless. Sundowner and Monsoon came by, running their legs off.
"Silver's dead! We're outta here!" Sundowner wheezed.
Dave waved goodbye as the two cyborgs sought the streets of Denmark. Karkat sat down on the dewwed grass, patiently watching that writhing charcoal mass of Black Diamond. A sort of hysteria overtook him, and he began to feel very jolly indeed. No more Gates, no more castle. Surely the crystalline black queen won't be too much of a problem, right? Sonic took out Peridot's gem, tears staining his eyes. The gem began to vibrate intensily. Sonic dropped it with a yelp as the gem burned his hands. White light took shape and solidified into the great and lovable Peridot once again. She grimaced at the sight of Black Diamond and her legacy.
"Is that...What I think it is?" Peridot uttered.
Sonic shrugged awkwardly. Peridot held her head in her hands for a moment before turning back. She then realized that she had lost her limb enhancers again, leaving her defenseless and small. Frantically she looked for them, but she found nothing.
"WHERE ARE MY LIMB ENHANCERS, BLUE HEDGEHOG!?" Peridot screamed.
Sonic was taken aback by her hostility. So this was the real Peridot?
"I...uh...left them in the harvest room. I'm sorry, Peridot! I didn't think they would be that important." he stammered.
Peridot grasped Sonic by the shoulders and shook him frantically.
"WE'RE ALL DOOMED!" she cried.
They both began to panic. Peridot wanted to stop shaking him, but she began to feel a very strange sensation. Suddenly, their bodies began to morph into eachother, releasing streaming rays of vibrant light. The others watched, absolutely dumbfounded. Out of the smoke and ashes of the collapsing stronghold walked a brand new person. Her name was Hedgidot! Six greenish quills flowed in the wind like that of a legendary Saiyan, A long cloak of turquoise enveloped her furry chest.
"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!?" Karkat screamed.
Terezi walked closer to get a better smell of the novel fusion.
"TH4T W4S R34LLY COOL! 1 TH1NK 1 W4NN4 TRY TH1S FUS1ON TH1NG TOO!" she squeamed.
Hedgidot held out one of her four arms.
"YOU WILL NOT!!!" Karkat commanded.
Terezi and the hedgehog danced gracefully, quickly becoming in sync with their feelings. White light shined once more, revealing yet another giant woman. Her name was Teredgidot. She spread out all six of her arms and laughed a heartly laugh.
"W3LL? AR3 W3 MAKING THIS HAPP3N OR NOT?" She spoke.
Karkat sighed heavily.
"SURE, WHY THE HELL NOT?" he said, offering his gray palms to the giantess.
She swung the little troll around her, tenderly throwing him into the air and catching him with her torso. Steam enveloped the entire scene once more and out came Karkeredgidot. Dave backed away as he realized he was next. The fusion gave him a glare of mild annoyance, but did not make him fuse. Undyne looked to Papyrus and Sans.
"Can monsters do that?" she asked.
The skeletons shrugged. Karkeredgidot lept into the air, holding out her six arms above her to form helicopter blades, Peridot's signature ability. Black Diamond had consumed the entire castle at this point, and she just now began to notice the fusion flying towards her. Never fearing, the darkened matriarch reached out with dozens and dozens of limbs and began to grab at Karkeredgidot. The fusion was hit in the shin and tumbled down, quickly recovering her altitude through flight. Still not used to flying in such a way, Karkeredgidot flew above Black Diamond's head and landed in the center of her crown, a space now 30 meters in diameter. Karkeredgidot fell flat on her face, taking in the disgusting texture of Black Diamond's flesh. Black Diamond was unable to reach the fusion with her limbs. Enraged, she began to shake her head violently, sending dust and chunks of stone flying everywhere. Karkeredgidot was flung against the inner wall of the crown, her many hands making long scratches in the rare metal. Struggling, she took careful step after careful step on the shaking surface, her feet digging into the flesh and making loud crunching noises. The wind cut into her eyes as Karkeredgidot crouched triumphantly on top of Black Diamond's gem. Forming her arms into a pair of sharp blades, Karkeredgidot dug them deep into the huge gemstone beneath her. Blinding light surrounded the area as the diamond shouted and spasmed. Suddenly, Karkeredgidot began to feel conflicted. Her skin began to burn. Quickly, Karkeredgidot pulled her arms out but at the same time pushed them back in. With a puff of smoke, she unfused, sending Sonic, Peridot, Terezi, and Karkat flying in all directions. Plummeting towards the cruel Earth, Karkat closed his eyes and accepted death. Suddenly, a pair of arms caught him and lowered him gently to the ground. Karkat groaned and peeked at his savior.
"OH WHAT THE FUCK." he exclaimed.
He was being held by not two arms, but four. Staring down at him was a strong, boney woman by the name of Sunpyrius. She stepped away from the troll and launched herself into the air once more. Terezi was panicking as she saw herself getting farther and farther away from the sky. She had never known that such an unfusion could occur! She took out her walking stick and desperately jammed it into one of Black Diamond's arms to slow her descent. As she slid down the callous black shell, gallons of steam and light poured out of the expanding wound. Terezi regained her confidence and began to laugh at Black Diamond's alarming roars. Sunpyrius leapt up, grabbing at the falling Sonic but fumbling. She panicked, causing her face to contort heavily before regaining focus. Falling quicker than Sonic due to her size, Sunpyrius landed gracefully and instantly leaped up toward Sonic once more, catching him for real this time. Peridot, still unused to her tiny, unenhanced little arms, was completely defenseless from her plummet. Terezi, still sliding down Black Diamond's skin, launched herself away to catch the hopeless gem, rolling as they both landed safely on the ground. Black Diamond, now the size of the Eiffel Tower, began to realize what had happened.
"Fuck you, you hopeless faggot-nutters! I hope you all die slow, painful deaths like the filthy scrubs you are!" she screamed.
"UH-OH. SHE'S ALMOST AS PISSED OF AS I AM." Karkat sneered.
Peridot marched up to Sonic and grabbed him by the collar.
"You CLOD! You were the one who disrupted the fusion!" she yelled.
Sonic began to get angry as well.
"Our friends are in there, Peridot! What if we kill them!?" he exploded.
Peridot groaned and let go of him. Softly, they began to hear the familiar tune of Cirno in their ears. A buff, handsome figure approached from the horizon. It was I, THE GLORIOUS AUTHOR! Sunpyrius was so shocked she unfused back into Undyne, Sans, and Papyrus.
"Oh, it's you! I never got to thank you for helping me earlier..." Sonic exasperated.
"You're welcome, indeed!" I said, tipping my shining fedora crafted by hand from diamonds taken from the African mines.
I did, of course, give those miners new jobs in the pyrotechnics industry.
"You need to help us defeat Black Diamond!" Sonic begged.
I shook my head solemnly.
"No," I said, "the glory of this fight belongs to you for all this hard work. Let me give you guys some advice..."
The other people gathered around me.
"Fusion is entirely dependant on the emotions of each fusee. I need you to try your hardest to stay in sync and focus on defeating Black Diamond. Do not worry about your friends, they are trapped within Black Diamond's gem and can only be freed by destroying her physical form. To do this, you'll need a lot of firepower." I said as a motorcycle revealed itself on the horizon.
"Here comes Shadow," I announced, "I must be going."
"Why in the name of Homeworld should we listen to you!?!" demanded Peridot.
"Because I...AM THE AUTHOR!" I said, turning my cape and disappearing with a flash, leaving behind several gift baskets in my place.
Shadow's bike screeched to a halt in front of them, setting fire to the trees behind it. Shadow, Nicholas Cage, and Sollux dismounted.
"Shadow! Thank god you're here! Black Diamond captured Silver and-"
"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. LET'S KILL IT." Shadow barked, loading his submachine gun.
Black Diamond began to creep closer to them. Walking is slow and painful when you're hundreds of feet tall and have 16 legs.
"ALRIGHT, FUCKWADS, LISTEN HERE. LET'S ALL GET IN A CIRCLE AND FUSE. KILLING BLACK DIAMOND NEEDS TO BE THE ONLY THINGS ON OUR MINDS." Karkat shouted.
Slowly and clumsily, they all formed a circle hand-in-hand. What followed was the world's most intense game of ring-around-the-rosie. An explosion of multicolored light surrounded them and clouds of smoke blinded any spectators. The ground shook with the raw power being displayed. Stomping away from the billowing smoke, his gigantic six legs crushed the rubble beneath them. His body shone with every shade of black and red and blue. The quills running down his spine outnumbered the many eyes on his faces. He was about half of Black Diamond's size now. His name...was Shasonkatredgidolluxrider Cage, but let's just call him Bob.
"BLACK DIAMOOOOOOOND!!!" he roared.
He picked up Shadow's motorcycle and tossed it at the goliath. She caught it with two hands and ripped it apart nonchalantly. Black Diamond proceeded to uproot twenty of the surrounding trees, breaking open the Earth. She reeled backwards and launched the trees one by one at full force. One of them hit Bob right in the face, sending him stumbling backwards. With heightened fury, he caught the next tree and used it to swat away the next few. Doing a backflip, Bob stomped over to the city. Wrapping eight arms around the nearest skyscraper, he pulled, rupturing the evacuated city streets below. Spinning around, he launched the building straight at Black Diamond. She began to duck, but the tower collided right into her abdomen, almost knocking her over. The enraged Black Diamond retorted with a baffling taunt:
"FUCK YOU!" Black Diamond yelled as she stretched herself high, higher towards the sun and grabbed the nearest cloud with her hands.
"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU TH1NK YOU'RE DOING?" shouted Bob.
He bent his knees, tucking his elbows behind him. Condensing the cloud into a solid block of ice with her powers, Black Diamond spun around and launched it at the rival fusion. Bob charged, shattering the ice with his skull. He desecrated the Earth as he tackled Black Diamond to the ground. Her voluminous body flattened the surround terrain, bits of rock and dirt covering the fusions' faces. Bob summoned legions of spear-pointed bone and bombarded the diamond with intense rage. Bob took hold of the black gem on the top of her head. Bob pulled and heaved, his arms tightening with the strain. Black Diamond kicked at him, so Bob slowed time with Chaos Control. Bob's veins protruded from his temples as a painting of rage embodied his face. Sweat began to drench his every crevice as he loosened the gem from its iron grip. Bob was thrown back as light began to flood out of Black Diamond. The goliath's shell crumbled as whole cities of thick, boiling smoke enveloped the city of Denmark. Bob let out a piercing cry of victory as all the emotions of everyone inside of him were set free. Bob closed his eyes and spread out his arms as exploded into one final burst of light. It took several minutes for the smoke to clear, and when it did, everyone could be found lying on the ground in the middle of the battlefield. Every man, woman, corpse, gem, monster, and hermaphrodite that Black Diamond had taken were now lying safely in the crumbling dirt. Groggily, Sonic stood up and observed his surroundings.
"Hello...Sonic" was Peridot's greeting.
Being a mere manifestation of light, Peridot got up quicker than the others. Sonic waved, putting on a half smile.
"When we were fused, I got to see some of your memories...I don't quite remember them, but I remember how they felt, and now I am going to apologize for being so angry at you earlier." she said.
"That's okay, Peridot...Wait, does this mean-"
"Okay..." Sonic slumped away to find Silver.
After several minutes of wading through corpses and sleeping bodies he saw the white hedgehog sitting on a rock, staring into the horizon.
"What's up? I'm glad you're okay." Sonic greeted.
"Bill Gates is gone...The resistance has been my life for years now...Now what do I do?" replied Silver.
The two sat in silence for several minutes. After a while, Silver slowly turned to Sonic and put a hand on his shoulder.
"Good work out there. I knew you could do it." he said before trodding off into the distance.
Meanwhile, Papyrus was prancing about the field of destruction. Jumping over an overturned tree, he spotted a certain fish lady and a certain lizard lady. Undyne was holding Alphys' head in her hands.
"She didn't hurt you, did she!?" said Undyne, checking for bruises.
Alphys shook her head before burying it in her hands.
"I-It's all my fault, Undyne! I c-couldn't get away...If I had j-just tagged along this would never have h-happened!" sobbed the lizard.
"Don't you blame this on yourself! It would have happened anyway, Alphys. C'mere..." The two embraced lovingly.
Suddenly, they heard the pounding of dirt and the clattering of bone coming their way.
"HI ALPHYS! HI UNDYNE!" Papyrus exclaimed, grasping them with both of his arms.
"THIS IS A GROUP HUG, ISN'T IT?" he asked.
"Why not..." replied Undyne.
Suddenly, Papyrus felt the embrace of an additional member.
"SANS! WHERE WERE YOU?"
"i was just having a talk over there," replied Sans, backing away from the trio. "sorry, but, i've got one last thing i've gotta do."
Sans disappeared in the blink of an eye. Meanwhile, Silver stood, boots firmly grounded, a black gem firmly grasped. In a blink of an eye, Sans was there.
"ready?" spouted the skeleton.
"Let's finish this once and for all!" Silver lifted the gem into the air with his mind, locking it in place.
Sans rubbed his eyesockets before using the last of his magic reserves to surround the gem with bones. Sans swung his arm and the army of bones closed in on Black Diamond's gem, crushing it under the force of Karmic Retribution. Small chunks of diamond dripped to the ground like gravel. Silver lifted these shards, and with one last scream he hurled them at the sun. May they never be seen again.
Dave approached Shadow, holding up his fist.
"What do you want?" asked the black hedgehog.
"C'mon! We were awesome out there! Don't leave me hanging!" replied the Dave human.
Shadow grunted before raising his fist to collide it with Dave's. Shadow marched over to his motorcycle and mounted it.
"I'm outta here, fucktards. Peace!" were his final words before riding off into the setting sun.
Dave wiped a single tear from his eye.
Later that week, President Obama hosted a celebration of Bill Gates' demise at the White House, where he gave all the resistance members Medals of Honor. Peridot and Nicholas Cage eventually re-fused and kickstarted a whole new era of stage performance. Terezi, Sollux, Karkat, and Dave continued their search for the last copy of SBurb so they could finally return home (See Appendix C). Sundowner and Monsoon moved into a large house together and started families. Monsoon brought into existance 2 children, Sophia and Eeeeeeeeeeearnis. Sundowner brought two of his own, Schnick and Fnickel. Their cyborg dynasties would prove to be quite expansive. Undyne sought a career in professional wrestling with costumes designed by Alphys, of course. Together, Sonic, Shadow, Sans, Silver, and Papyrus bought a considerable mansion in Washington D.C. to search for the last of Bill Gates' supporters. Alphys later discovered that each brainwashed minion had a small, white gem hidden deep inside of them that took control of their bodies.
The site of Bill Gates' castle was quarantined by the government of Denmark. Nobody entered the battlefield again for several years, until one day a purple suited man decided to walk among the ruins of discarded stone. He walked very erratically, his legs never quite moving the same way when he took a step. He was often described as a crusty, sticky man. And his name was Waluigi.